Happy opposite day! I’m going to show you my top 10 ways to annoy your visitors … because you might do the opposite and get better results.
Annoying your website’s visitors is easier than you think and you may not even realize that you are doing it. But if you really want to drive away traffic, I have some really neat tips on how to do that.
Without further ado …
1) Increase the time to load the site
Visitors hate this. If you want them to abandon you before they even see your website, do whatever it takes to slow your website down!
This means adding as many photos to a single page as possible. Don’t bother to resize your images, just load them straight from your computer. Add your photos to the top, above all the meaningful text about what you do and who you are. They can wait for that!
As an added bonus: If you want your visitor to be entertained after they’ve waited, automatically play music. After they’ve waited so long for your music/video to load, they’ll appreciate you if you audibly play it without warning. Or maybe they won’t. Maybe they are in a quiet area like the library, or at work, or at (gasp) church. It’ll scare the bejesus out of them!
A speedy website, along with the strategic use of imagery and content, will only make people stay on your website … don’t fall for it.
2) Make them read paragraphs of text
Don’t make it easy for them to scan your site to understand your business. Create several long paragraphs without headings or images. Your visitor will hate you!
And don’t even think about line breaks. One solid paragraph is just fine. Tell your backstory first, then the names of your kids, followed by your favorite pastimes, and only THEN talk about what you do! Don’t give them any actionable items or next steps. After reading all of that, they’ll need to lie down. Sure, they may never come back, but you can rest assured that you’ve made them tired.
By including descriptive headlines with concise paragraphs explaining what you offer, your ideal client will want to work with you. Be careful.
3) Make your website tacky as hell
Brutalist web design is making a comeback. Follow the trend and choose colors and font sizes that look awful. Get your design inspiration from Craiglist and the “Space Jam” website. (Check it out it, I promise it’s worth it)
Nevermind that you are a professional who sells high-end coaching and consulting services. You want to appear cheap and you want to make your visitor regret ever visiting your website. Clutter it with photos and text – everywhere. Make everything move.
Hurt their eyes. Use red as a background. Experiment with different color texts on multi-colored backgrounds. Provide no contrast.
If you do some thinking and planning before you build your website, it might not look like a hot mess. But a hot mess is what you are going for, so don’t do any planning at all!
4) Include pop-ups on every page
Oh yeah! EVERY page, not just one. This will force them to close your pop-ups over and over and over and over – until they just leave.
Can’t you just imagine the frustration as they reject your persistent pop-ups and try to navigate your site? Can’t you see the furrowed brows? The sighs? The ‘whys’?
You could just limit the pop-up to once a day … but you are looking to piss people off. Don’t limit yourself.
5) Offer no solution
Don’t tell anyone what problem you solve. Instead, focus your website on YOU and YOUR breakthroughs. Your visitor will become so enthralled with your transformative backstory, they automatically give you their money.
Or maybe they won’t relate and will leave. But that’s okay because you aren’t looking for real business anyway.Your website is too show off how awesome you are!
If you actually described your client’s problem and your solution to that problem, they might do business with you. No good!
6) Design for mobile, nah!
Don’t worry about how your website looks on mobile. Seriously?
Look. You don’t have time to make your website look good on mobile. You don’t really use your cell phone to surf the web, so why should your visitors? Make them use a desktop … like you do.
Nevermind that they can’t properly view your website and will likely leave forever. Oh well.
Just whatever you do, don’t optimize your website for mobile devices!
7) Never update it
Because you don’t have time for that either.
Your last blog post was two years ago and it was time-sensitive. Oops! Your posted phone number is out of service. Oops! Your email address has changed. Oops!
And that photo doesn’t even look like you anymore! Remove it and leave a broken image in its place.
If you actually appear like you are in business, you might get some business. But a zombie website is the best way to frustrate people. So let’s go with that!
8) Include nonsensical navigation
Navigation is for suckers! You want to make sure that your visitor is really confused. You want to avoid giving them a clear path on how to find their information that they are looking for.
At the top of your website, make sure that you randomize your pages. Make sure that the content on each page has nothing to do with the page title. People just despise a good bait and switch!
If you really want to get annoying, eliminate the pages that thoroughly describe your services and your value proposition. Providing relevant information really attracts your ideal clients. Don’t.
Instead, go for the element of surprise. Leave them wondering why they even bothered.
9) Have a super long (or ambiguous) URL
When choosing a domain name, make it as long as possible. It’ll prevent more people from directly visiting your website and increase the likelihood of misspellings. Sweet!
Your domain name should also contain hyphens that people will forget to type in. ‘Dashes’ are a cool way to get the domain name you want if the other domain name is already taken. Your visitors will likely end up on someone else’s website.
Lastly, be sure to intentionally misspell words like a middle schooler. If a word ends with S, replace the S with a Z. Because you’ll seem cooler (to yourself at least)
Whatever you do, don’t make it easy for someone to type in and get to your website on the first try!
10) Let your hosting/domain name expire
You didn’t want to pay that bill anyway! Let your website expire until it’s only but a shell of its former self.
Let your domain expire and become available for purchase by anyone who wants it. After all, it’s only your business name. It’s not important anyway.
Don’t renew your hosting either. When someone visits your website, they’ll get nothing that pertains to your business. At least they’ll know that you had a website.
Paying for services to run your business website is responsible. But who wants that?
Umm, yeah … so … don’t annoy people.
I didn’t really mean any of the above, I was being facetious. But I wrote this blog post to make a point.
Many coaches and consultants are making these same mistakes, unintentionally. And it’s a shame because a bad website can hurt a good business. I’m genuinely rooting for every entrepreneur that is reading this.
Please take the time to improve your website. Pick a day this month to see if you are making any of these mistakes. Get feedback on your website.
And if you are still stuck trying to figure out what to do, contact me for a strategy call. Let’s spend 30 minutes together talking about your website, your online presence, and even your business goals.